The Art of The Wound

A prison without bars
you are always free to go (Winter is clearly on its way)
Just do not be deceived
by what you think you know minimum security slaves
paid a minimum wage [In the days of my youth]
[I was searching the earth.] [I was searching for truth]
[Since the moment of birth.] False revolution televised
Only a scripted illusion [A wise man I cherish]
[Gave a piece of advice] Transformation is within
in ceasing the collusion. [Be careful what you wish.]
[He told it to me twice.] (In a perfect world) You are always free to go
but you must walk away. [The path of truth is a lonely road] [Because in truth we’re all alone] [Yeah the path of truth is a lonely road]
{Three…, Two… One…}
[Because all of us are one.] in December of 2017, Cedar Branches, a
little-known independent artist and traveling mystic, settled into a friend’s
home as winter approached. After living a transient lifestyle for almost seven years his path had led him to this place, where he would spend the month of
December alone. It would seem to be a welcome pause after an unending stream of travels, activity, and creative productivity. For Cedar however there
would be no rest for the weary. ♪♪ I can find no escape. ♪♪ In solitude he turned inward; sifting
through his consciousness. A lifetime of intense stories and challenges of an alternative lifestyle lived with unreasonable gusto. ♪♪ Just stifled in the dark. ♪♪ He reflected on the many people who had shared their stories with him, remembering the many downtrodden, neglected, forgotten, and under-appreciated ♫ ♫ ♫ Sitting with his shadows (all the anger,
apathy, neglect, betrayal, jealousy, loneliness, and unspoken pains from
secret wounds) he sought to express what so many wish they could but don’t. ♪♪ Some people sing it. ♪♪
♪♪ Most just sing along. ♪♪ ♪♪ I’m the one who’s livin’ ♪♪
♪♪ the story within the song. ♪♪ ♪♪ The story within the song. ♪♪ With infrequent contact with the outside world, and with scarce resources in his food stores, Cedar set out to create a volume of work that would touch, move, and inspire others into meaningful action that might begin to transform communities. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ It’s hard to hear a yes ♪♪ Despite never having sung in public, in a
symbolic act of courage, Cedar published a track of himself singing “The Glow Song”. No music accompanied the initial release though it would quickly be combined with
music and spoken word poetry into the first song of “Shadows Illuminated”. ♪♪ Dreaming of your silvery eyes ♪♪ ♪♪ and that smile with such a glow. ♪♪ ♪♪ Illuminated ♪♪ ♪♪ (I am shaken) ♪♪ ♪♪ (Illuminated) ♪♪ ♪♪ Illuminated ♪♪ ♪♪ I am shaken ♪♪ Over the next two weeks he continued releasing one track after another of
songs and spoken word based music as well as providing regular live feeds of
his process. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ I’ll be the proof ♪♪ ♪♪ that God doth exist ♪♪ ♪♪ (About me he lives) ♪♪ By Christmas, Cedar completed nine songs and released his very first music album. ♪♪ (This life is eternal.) ♪♪ ♪♪ (There are no exits.) ♪♪ ♪♪ I’ll be the proof ♪♪ ♪♪ of what I don’t seem. ♪♪ ♪♪ (Simple reflections) ♪♪ ♪♪ (My life is but dream.) ♪♪ ♪♪ Waking from a long sleep ♪♪ ♪♪ Tossing and turning ♪♪ ♪♪ without moving a muscle ♪♪ My initial perspective of his work was that it seemed to have needed an immense amount of self-reflection and time alone to
create such truthful and large body of art. The musical work to me at first was I was listening. I’m like “Oh, God, what has Cedar put together now with all of his free time and all all of his time alone… doing
nothing? (laughs) And and then giving it some time and attention it started to grow on me
creating a depth of experience for me It was going into the depths of the well,
and in a way bringing all the obscure and unexpressed tales of the true life
story; allowing that to come up and be actually performed. ♪♪ You’ve won the prize! ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ It was a mixture of past events and the reality…
right now. ♪♪ Just a status symbol ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ Just a status symbol ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ A gratifying token ♪♪ There was a lot of weaving of emotions.
For me every piece was bringing also, for my own life experience, jotted
flashbacks. And so the music was very haunting, and it was like peeling off
layers you know of the onion -spiritually speaking- and also bringing back
something from the childhood. This mixing this weaving interaction of you know
softness and yet like really being on the edge, and so the contrasts I think were
really effective. ♪♪ Just cast it aside ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ Along the wayside ♪♪ ♪♪ Along the wayside ♪♪ ♪♪ Inconsequential ♪♪ And of course the poetry. The poetry was music in the words. It was the words themselves being the music. You know it takes a lot of guts to be that revealing and I think that the job of the artist is to evoke emotion; to make us feel something. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ I’d sing of joy I don’t feel ♪♪ It’s got a mood to it. It’s got a feel to it,
and it’s an emotional one, and a lot of times the emotions that I that I
find evoked in me by listening to his work are emotions that are uncomfortable. ♪♪ And nobody could drink ♪♪ ♪♪ from such an empty cup. ♪♪ The fear and the uncertainty, the sadness, the melancholy; all of those things that I think a lot of times we try to paint over. Not
everybody is willing to authentically express some of the darker tones, and
he is and by that I I think that’s how healing works. There is a source of honesty within Shadows Illuminated. It is my own elegy. It is how I chose to be remembered; exposing what felt so true for me as I saw the writing
on the wall; death’s persistent gaze growing ever closer, and there seemed no
way to avoid its ultimate arrival. Cedar’s childhood was filled with
challenges. Coming from a broken home much of his childhood was spent in
transience; moving from one place and home to another. By the time he was 18 he
had lived in well over a dozen cities, and had attended over 30 schools. His
situation resulted in numerous personal challenges, abandonment issues,
difficulties fitting in, rebellious behaviors, depression, and a failure to
thrive condition. In order to cope with his difficulties Cedar had turned to the
mystical and to alcohol and drugs as an escape. At the age of 17, Cedar faced a
final abandonment by his mother, and was left homeless in the streets of Santa
Cruz. ♪♪ That wound ♪♪ ♪♪ That wound ♪♪ ♪♪ Still bleeding ♪♪ ♪♪ Still needing ♪♪ When I first met Cedar, I remember
him as a vulnerable quiet man, hungry for belonging and connection. And his kind
nature drew me in, and as I gave him attention I realized I was attaining a
sense of belonging as well in this new friendship. I was aware he had
difficulties in his childhood with abandonments and social awkwardness, but (in the same vein) we were all also happy to have each other that those things weren’t
really discussed very much. There is a feeling of wonder
that was ever-present in Cedar, and that was what the wound brought to the
surface for me in my friendship. I really felt like there was so much teaching in
being in the presence of this authenticity. It was a real learning
experience for people to be in Cedar’s presence -in any way, any form- there
was a learning experience. And that learning experience, I believe
was from the depths of the wounding, and still being able to appreciate life. I believe that what Cedar went through as a child traumatized him so much; he is
searching for love and acceptance and community. The abandonment was ever-present
because that was part of the light and the shadow. And the part of the shadow
that was present was a form of self-validation that I will always be
abandoned or left aside. Repeating the loop, and feeling that there
is proof! “Oh here we go again. Here we go. Someone left me unattended.” and that
was kind of the theme of the wound, I believe. He entered the workforce, and
began a long process of building a life for himself as an adult. Cedar ended up
marrying his high school sweetheart, and they had a child together. Back before he was who he is now he worked at Microsoft, and I’m
big into technology so I really wanted to to emulate him and
get into Microsoft and all that. And he showed me around, and he he was always a little bit of a hippie, but he lived a
corporate life for a long time; a businessman; made pretty good money. I’ll probably always remember the drives honestly. We’d go get doughnuts, and drive
around. He’d humor me has my imaginary friend (more or less) guided us around. I
don’t know if he actually believed was real, but guided us where to drive. We’d go
see nature. He talked to me about crazy stuff I 75% of the time payed
attention to. Those are always always fond memories for me. He slowly worked his way up the ladder frequently changing jobs, while
consistently excelling at whatever he took on. Cedar ultimately became a
full-time analyst for a corporation, and was able to buy a condo in a highly
rated suburb of Seattle. He grew up in a family situation where there was definitely a lot of abandonment and traumas and (it’s) just kind of interesting to reflect on Cedar’s life, and I think initially those
those traumas led him to wanting to fulfill that American dream of getting out of poverty or breaking some cycles, and leading him to work
at this high-end job, and making all this money. My experience working with
him was that the work ethic was very strong and (in fact) when it came to
working with Cedar, it’s mostly marked by many many successes -collaborative
successes- in turning in results. He was very strong with the workflows and
processes and the technical side, which would have that idea happen. It was
really a pleasure to work with Cedar across these different ways in different
spaces come up with ideas and really make these ideas happen. He was very
careful in his relationships with others; less likely to rock the boat than not, and
had good social relationships with other folks; folks he got together with outside
of Microsoft like me. He was along this kind of traditional values
American values path, having a really high-paying job, and
working his way up the ladder, and nice car, house, and kind of that whole that whole thing that I think a lot of
Americans really strive for, and he gave all that up. From most outside perspectives it would seem that things had finally worked out for Cedar.
For Cedar however there was little happiness or satisfaction to be found in
the life that he had worked so hard to create. It’s a story of working together
again; some amazing successes that we had produced and some amazing winds, but
ultimately a real catastrophic example of greed and politics, and just humans behaving super badly, for whatever motivations they had. And I think that
Cedar was privy to (had a front-row seat to) all of that happening. The way that it
went down couldn’t help but impact him but he was kind of like an innocent
bystander. There would be a lot of unsatisfactory ways in which our two
management teams disintermediated or separated our ability to work together,
injected other people (who were well-meaning) into the picture that did
not necessarily serve the space that we had created. There was a real fear and
panic about the revenue side of it, and the sabotage that occurred was pretty
profound. This sabotage was pretty obvious to Cedar. A lifetime of unhealed depression, health issues, and general unhappiness with an unfulfilling
lifestyle had taken its toll. He was depressed and subject to frequent
suicidal thoughts and heightened emotional outbursts. I remember there was
a lot of fighting between him my mom. They would fight before he went to work and I thought it was real hard-ass. I remember the health ones
most acutely; when he was all skin and bones, and he was sick a lot. It
affected a lot. ♪♪ Tower created ♪♪
Then it took a downturn. ♪♪ from stone and a rhyme. ♪♪ Yeah, there was a lot of
irritability on I feel all sides on how things went down. It definitely struck me that he was
a lot more frustrated than anything else. ♪♪ Let it crumble. ♪♪ I think everybody in the house was. ♪♪ Crazy man, drunken man ♪♪ Hitting rock bottom, Cedar formulated a professional support team, and moved on to a path dedicated to healing himself. The thing was that he wasn’t happy. He felt like his spirit was being sucked out of him, basically from this type of way of life, and he realized that he needed
to do something different in his life if he wanted to to survive. By the next month, Cedar was diagnosed with celiac disease, and was found to have faced significant malnourishment issues over the years. He didn’t find out that he was a celiac
until he was 35 years old So he went 35 years not knowing he had it. A little while later (still while he was 35 years old) he discovered that he had NASH
(non-alcoholic fatty liver disease) Plus he has eating disorders from childhood; from the neglect, from the poverty, from living in poverty; not being able to eat well at all. The celiac causes nutritional deficiencies. And the NASH (the liver problem),
the non-alcoholic fatty liver problem is caused partially from the celiac. It’s also been exacerbated by the the eating problems. He’d been eating stuff that his body considered poison for 35 years. He got good at ignoring his hunger. If you didn’t put food in front of Cedar,
he would not eat. Plus when he’s creating art and stuff, he gets so focused into the art that he is not even gonna think about food. The body is not all that important to Cedar I think. In order to begin healing, Cedar made his physical, emotional, and spiritual health a priority. He set out on the slow process of restructuring his life in a way that would be more sustainable; to heal his body, his relationships, and to pursue more hope-giving creative pursuits. ♪♪ Destination. Oh, destination. ♪♪ He published hundreds of colorful nature
images and succeeded in creating multiple gallery showings of his fine
art photography these photography. His photography was touching places in my heart that I was longing to see,
and I could see the colors and the shape of the nature of
being in those cards, and I felt that it was very unique,
and there was a lot of light in it. Let me put it that way. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ Ka Ra Ya Sa Ta Al La ♪♪ In the first half of 2011, Cedar’s marriage ended,
as did his career, and Cedar fully dedicated himself
to a life of devotional spiritual service. To me at the time it didn’t seem like
a big momentous life event. It felt more like a matter of course;
like it had been building up to it for a long time, and I was kind of just glad
to have it over and done with at that point. it was like, “Ah, finally it they’re done and they can they can go their separate ways, and hopefully that things turn out for the better,” and I think it has ultimately. I always thought that the new life path stuff was generally as a lot of hippie stuff though, like talking about doing magic and spirit and all that, and it’s never really been something
that I’ve related to a resonated with, but it makes him happy and it makes a lot of other people happy. Looking back now I think it was good for him. It was good for other people -So that’s what really matters-. That was about the time that Cedar had quit Microsoft, and, as time went on, it seemed that he was clear he wasn’t going to be earning a living for himself, and explicitly said that he was dedicating
his life to his higher power, to spirit, and to source, and he would only survive off the generosity of others. Cedar became very connected to his
spirituality, and very connected to where spirit would call him to be. I think that he wanted to give up
the attachment to any kind of wealth, and travel and meet people,
and make a difference for people, and live mostly a shamanistic existence. He wasn’t gonna live off the the system
and to live by money. His path, from what I understand, was that he would show up and support people, and be in service for other people, and to really listen to spirit
(or a higher higher force), and allow that to lead his life. Devotion to be a vessel for receiving, and giving its presence would be the exchange, and giving the devotion
(sharing that devotion) would be the exchange. And so there is a lot of trust to spirit; like whatever Spirit is asking next,
that’s what I’m gonna do. My mind is not gonna be the driver.
My heart will follow spirit. And I believe that this was
the truest I have known in anybody. Cedar began his what I might call
(half-amusedly) his walking the earth phase. And not to make light of it because it was a journey that most people would not undertake; most people would not choose it, many people are critical of it (judgmental about it), and it costs something. Many people who undertake a similar journey,
whether by choice or whether forced into it, don’t come back to tell the story. And so it would be that
Cedar would begin an entirely new journey, unplugged from the customs and
dogmas of modern society, and that he would make his way into the unknown
on the path that lay before him. ♪♪ In the days of my youth ♪♪ ♪♪ I was searching the earth. ♪♪ ♪♪ I was searching for truth ♪♪ ♪♪ since the moment of birth. ♪♪ ♪♪ A wise man I cherish ♪♪ ♪♪ gave a piece of advice. ♪♪ ♪♪ “Be careful what you wish.” ♪♪ ♪♪ He told it to me twice. ♪♪ ♪♪ The path of truth is a lonely road ♪♪ ♪♪ for in truth we’re all alone. ♪♪ ♪♪ Yeah, the path of truth is a lonely road ♪♪ ♪♪ because all of us are one. ♪♪ Now enveloped in an identity crisis,
he set out on a spiritual journey to find and to know his true self.
to me it was my all life was empty ♪♪ To me it was my all. ♪♪ ♪♪ Life was empty without. ♪♪ ♪♪ Truth was my only call, ♪♪ ♪♪ and my prayer became a shout. ♪♪ Still operating heavily from deep wounds
of abandonment and neglect, Cedar also began seeking companionship
that might alleviate his loneliness. What followed was a string of rejections, broken relationships, regular abandonments, and deep lessons about self-worth and true love. ♪♪ I’d tell it to people; ♪♪ ♪♪ help them to understand. ♪♪ ♪♪ I’d shout it from the steeple, ♪♪ ♪♪ and bring healing to this land. ♪♪ Before Cedar could live into an
empowered life, and to help others, he would need to resolve
through his own deepest wounds. In October of 2011, Cedar took a month-long,
spirit-guided journey to South America. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ Cutting loose the anchors ♪♪ ♪♪ so I might sail unbound. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ His journey resulted in the publication of his first book, titled “Spirit Work”. I slowly become aware of my manifest experience as I emerge from the sheer white light of my restful state. An eternal abundance of divine love fills
my life body, energizing into form. I welcome it. The vastness of my being washes over me. The complexity of this omnipresence
extends endlessly in countless directions. I tune in. I sense earth-mother,
and I express deep love and gratitude to her from deep within my being. “Spirit Work” was a photographic travel journal created mainly of images
and short diary-like blog posts. It not only shared aspects of his spiritual journey to rediscover himself, but it also highlighted his wounds surrounding love and how those played a part in his life. We are a state of continual oneness. The moment is eternal. Vibrations of infinite types and reaches
resonate throughout me. With a peaceful side they fall
into a gentle song, soothing my soul. I hum along. A month following his return to the States,
Cedar was totally broke, and would not be able to afford rent at his apartment. He quickly shed the majority of his remaining belongings, packed up his car, and took a step deeper into a life of transience. ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ I don’t have much, or so it might seem. ♪♪ ♪♪ Just a hand-me-down pack, weighing on my back, ♪♪ ♪♪ and these worn out shoes; ♪♪
♪♪ traveled further than you. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ The life you never knew. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ I could’ve had a house. ♪♪
♪♪ Yeah, that might have been. ♪♪ ♪♪ A place to be tied, ♪♪
♪♪ a mortgage too high, ♪♪ ♪♪ and the constant chores; ♪♪
♪♪ the sweeping of floors; ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ hiding behind closed doors. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ I don’t have much, or so it might seem. ♪♪ ♪♪ Just some simple rocks, ♪♪
♪♪ and some holy socks ♪♪ ♪♪ that have supported my soul ♪♪
♪♪ with love as a goal. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♪♪ A heart that is so full. ♪♪ ♫ ♫ ♫ At the beginning of 2012, Cedar became
officially homeless. he turned to the support of a community and loved ones to
aid him and fulfilling his quest he was mostly like couchsurfing with family
friends and his friends like he he bounced around from like house to house
home to home for like handful of once maybe like 6 as long as I remember and
then he’d end up moving somewhere else kinda like a like a drifter it
definitely in a way that most people I expect and want to live he I’m not sure
how difficulty at a time of procuring these houses but I mean he ever kept him
for very long and I can’t imagine would be easy I wouldn’t be able to do it
given the independence the Diego cos old life on Hoss seeder was not accustomed
to asking for help from others it would require a leap of faith to let go of his
previous patterns and to become dependent on others he leveraged his dedication to being in
service to creating a sense of balance in his relationships cedar expanded into
community and became more and more dependent upon others to help fulfill
his everyday needs he showed up consistently in our community home
always welcomed of course and we were beginning to grow in a sense of like a
soul family and we were creative together and he felt a sense of freedom
together and I always talked very easily with cedar from the beginning and I
offered him shelter and food and company and love and he always seemed to be
grateful and honored to be taken in with such love and authenticity
and being around cedar at this time was a real joy in a way out of the prison of
my mind his shift into a moneyless lifestyle
would prove to be quite difficult cedar shed almost every possession that
remained from his prior life and began to live from backpack more challenging
however was to release the proverbial baggage and patterns of a life spent in
materialism as well as adjusting his own expectations to be more aligned with the
reality of scarcity that he now faced the times that he would show up on my
doorstep were maybe two or three times a year for perhaps a weekend a week a few
days and you’d need a place to crash usually he was at the end of his rope
he’d been someplace that wasn’t good for him or he felt that he’d worn out his
welcome somewhere and he was always welcome here so I would provide food for
him I was aware that he was gluten intolerant celiac I would provide what I
could certainly a warm place to sleep and we would hang out we would have long
conversations much of what cedar was coming to and learning overlapped what I
was coming to and learning one of the other things that I would say about
Cedars time walk in the earth was that when he
show up it was clear that he was in some kind of physical need and the lack of
resources were taking a toll I’m not really one to judge the path but I was
concerned about his health on more than one occasion
yes very unstable I new sitter for five or six years okay
and I believe once once I knew that the home was going to be a little longer
than temporary as it was very temporary leaving different cases and couchsurfing
and having you know beautiful situations for moments mm-hmm and I feel that see
the many times was in the street and many
times he wouldn’t share it so there was a lot of hunger and Trust
Cedar’s photography and book had not produced much income and his community
had helped him but not nearly enough to meet even his most basic of needs
nonetheless he remained dedicated to his chosen path of service and creativity
even when at a detriment to his own well-being in the summer of 2012 cedar
sought more stable shelter to protect him from the oncoming winter he went to
play if they called the Crystal Palace and that was full like young young
hipster people and he feels happy there though temporary stability offered
benefits renting a room and living a moneyless lifestyle would prove to be
incongruent creating new challenges for cedar to surmount he was offered a
potential ghost riding gig for a man who was fearful about someone stealing his
ideas before the man would commit to hire cedar he demanded the cedar ride
his own story which had similar themes this would give the man an opportunity
to differentiate Cedars riding from his own cedar was offered one month of time
to complete this work and the man paid cedar a small amount while he finished
it over the next few weeks cedar would scratch out his second book how to
create a new earth I crave the new earth utopia though from the good beautiful
and true within my consciousness I have explored how to best bring about the new
patterns and great death never turning away from a hopeful method faced with
limitations unreal and unsustainable past I believed a great purification
must be experienced how else could we create a new pattern a little and begin
again from nothing transmutation of the old leaves the risk that the seeds of
previous harvests may bloom again into the new crop corrupting it from within
and leading tomorrow unsustainable result I also discovered in paradox that
the most basic patterns work through self similarity between consciousness
and manifestation further negotiations for the ghostwriting job fell through
and by winter cedar was again forced to leave his temporary home wintertime shelter at his brothers home
in the mountains of Washington State the winter time would prove to be quite
challenging and transformative for Cedar who is now unplugged from the community
that he had become dependent upon with few food rations he would face a
winter of hunger while facing starvation seeder completed
a spoken-word video collection based on his book how to create a new earth a the
highest could come to all may earth be restored to her full health and thrive
may peace and love be abundant universally may we all live in gratitude
throughout each moment featuring numerous original natural images that he
heard during his journey book sales of the written title had been very slow but
he placed significant weight on getting the text out to others in a way they
might better receive it may the resources of the world be replenished
and returned to the rightful stewards through natural justice may humanity
move to a paradigm of generosity may we find and apply forgiveness in every area
of our lives may we all be free throughout our lives as this is our
birthright may we attract healthy and authentic relationships may we stand an
infinite love now and always may the numbers of her nature allies increase
may we achieve the full manifestation of our potential may we live in a world of
magic embracing the mystery when we bring positive influence to our
realities may these influences stretch into the eternal design of our natural
universe may we stand in the light realizing our innate connection with all may we be whole may our experiences
continue in beauty and truth may we love each other all beings and all things may
the new earth emerge and her shining glory seeder emerged from a near-death
experience and from a transformative winter to again engage with his
community his newfound courage renewed his dedication to be in service and to
continue on his path of personal healing my life is my torch shining from my
heart my art is my rebellion free expression of soul my struggle is my
growth guided perfectly by nature my companion
is myself and all my experience my life it’s my love illuminating my cat I would
describe seders spirituality as unconventional out-of-the-box
untraditional and plain frankly that unconventional nasaw
believes played a very big role in my life and helping me some of the
spiritual teachings that he has taught me have helped me just you know break
out of a box of dogma that just limited me I didn’t know exactly how to break
those patterns of thinking and he really helped me with that and I was able to
jump out of that box and that brought in create more creativity boundlessness and
I will always be thankful to him for that he was a bit different than a lot
of my other friends or other people I felt you know a really drawn to 2-seater
in kind of a unique way he seemed seemed a bit different and then like other
people and he had just this really magnetic nature had this artistic feel
to them this free spirit almost a rebel in a way but just like this you really
carry this deep authenticity and just this level level of depth that
see that is pretty rare I just love how is mine it works you know I love how I
was so knowledgeable and you know know so much about all these different
different things and in different areas of life and you know can bring a fresh
perspective to practically anything we’re talking about you know things like
perception we’re talking about karma and like like really like exploring you know
these ideas and for me that was that that was kind of unique we talked about
the topic of compassion you know and you would think like you okay you know maybe
there’s not a lot to say it’s like being compassionate that’s a good thing you
know but with him I mean we spend an hour talking about compassion and really
unpacking it and digging deep into it and you know it was wonderful compassion
is much more around this other than allowance mentality and allowance isn’t
attached you know to helping look or how they manifest and it opens up all kinds
of wonderful possibilities and in these these satiric ways that I’m talking
about you know that are a little deeper transcendent but also more like in the
tangible examples of what you said you know it’s like if I’m in an argument
about with my sister about food situation why would I argue if I just
understood that she’s hungry and I love her you know there’s a knack for an
argument you know just when it’s tearing kind of the situation where there’s no
argument need to be had and all that suffering really I feel like I’ve always
seen him as a spiritual person someone that was always connected always knew
what the right words to say very wise he has a very calming presence in voice
and he’s helped me through a lot I was coming to terms with my own spirituality
and we had met at a time I was going through many transitions and
he also was well there is this disbelief that comes into people’s knowledge of
themselves like how can someone go to this place with such courage such
devotion like we only see this in India right that is really brand new to to
bring to the mainstream there was a lot of excitement like oh my goodness we
found a gym we found a gym right I want to I want to understand I want to learn
from this person and so a lot I believe a lot of people have you know searched
such a being and if you have found such a being and I would say that cedar was
able to mentor if you people that were that lucky to to be on his path
and on their past so 2p that they would come together bump into each other
cedar grew more accustomed to a transient life and continued to adapt
his needs and way of being to be more appropriate to his situation he moved
about more frequently attempting to spread his burden more broadly across
many members of his community while lessening his impact on just one
individual at a time I got a chance to work pretty closely with cedar on a
project that I was working on and that was creating or coming up with a
business name in a logo for my business and cedar there he was you know it’s
just like he was there to be fully in service of this project and he was just
really patient and had this you know unconditional love that he offered and
he really allowed me to be vulnerable and to you know try to understand what I
was truly trying to convey so I was just really special to be able to work with
him on that project at that time he didn’t have a place to stay so you know
for for me it was like yeah dude you’re totally helping me like let me be able
to help but just be able to cook a little extra food and be able to have a
place for him to stay and being when we weren’t working on the project we were
able to have these really deep conversations about life and I think
that he really helped I think shift a lot of my perspectives and viewpoints
you know on our society and and how it’s going
still cedar continued to struggle with having his needs met and he faced
regular uncertainty and hunger maybe the one would come out and take the
microphone again and say oh here we go are we in a place of being embraced
uh-oh and then the wind will play out again right where the excitement and the
honeymoon with wither and so in that place cedar would have to
move away and feel rejected or no longer understood and I felt overtime less and
less understanding of these choices and of this way of life and I watched him
grow angry at times and at times of desperation when even the closest people
to him more resentful a feeling that they had to feed and shelter him and so
for me it became a very difficult thing for me to watch and to participate in
you know although cedar tree he contributed what he could all of love
and scarce resources and his behavior was one of generosity and kindness
better man I saw some people gravitate to what he had to offer and I know that
he helped many many people that came into contact with him his developing
wisdom and faith in God and I watched others
also be turned off from the whole thing Cedar’s dependency on me in our
community created an open heartedness in me at first that was not infinite you
know I watched him slowly begin to run out of options for people willing to
shelter and feed him and I felt worried for him often being able unable to
afford shelter and food for himself and you know I think I allowed myself to
feel obligated to for his well-being and to take care of him and knowing that I
was one of the few people that he had left to help and to count on it was
almost as if I was needing to trust in creator and trust in spirit myself that
he was going to be taken care of because that’s what he chose that’s how he chose
to live his life was to put his full faith in creator and yeah it was a very difficult time
usually difficult thing for me to do over time one of the the challenges of
you know living in community and and you know being in a different way of
lifestyle begin to I guess like wear down you know some of my housemates as
well as you know definitely brought up some challenges for myself as well and
so you know after a while some of that reason that would start to build up the
service and of things you know his be able to help me started to kind of wind
down a bit the food started to become a bit more sparse you know you could start
to see that physical impact on cedar and mental you know and emotional impact is
that you know he wasn’t able to eat as much his energy started to fade what
that kind of resentment that start to build up it just created an energetic
block you know between a lot of between cedar and a lot of you know our
community so you know it was really hard to see him in those places really not be
able to get that support and love that you know I think he truly needed on a
deeper level the tensions really started to rise after a while and into the point
where one of our community members asked cedar to leave and you know that I think
that was a really tough time and you know cedar took it really hard because
he had you know really showing up and that place of love and service you know
for us and it was really unfortunate you know because I think it challenged a lot
of our deeper societal beliefs around helping people and people going to work
right it’s kind of so engrained into us that if people aren’t working that
they’re lazy or some other you know excuse that comes up
what’s live for watch love words how much for the beauty and all those cannot
measure the value no prize priceless no problem surprise no product surprise
no prize you know that was it the only thing either is it’s like he had some
restrictions on you know what foods he could and could not eat either so I was
you know doing with celiac disease for example you know any any gluten would
just shut him down and there were those times where some food would get
contaminated and it would really not come out and or lay him out I should say
that he would be in severe pain just really withdrawn during those times and
really not himself and I think that kind of fed back into that that that negative
loop of like why isn’t cedar doing anything and you know in hindsight it’s
like well he had a like a serious medical condition and now is a big
limiting factor but you know I think that kind of built into the the tensions
and everything and in which ultimately led to cedar moving on in going
somewhere else rather than giving up and returning to serving a system that cedar
felt was corrupted with greed cedar continued on his strive to bring good
into the world through his own actions he has to be like the only person I’ve
never met in person that I actually genuinely worried about sometimes and
I’ve read about him like in the same way that I would worry about my kids
he doesn’t seem to worry about those things he seems to have instead like
chosen to not to not be conventional the the choices that he’s made when it comes
to being unconventional and not you know playing the same game the rest of us are
doing not doing the nine-to-five thing not being you know a part you know the
rat race so to speak I think that those are brave choices you
know and in a way you know I admire the choice because I think like wow you know
that’s that’s a real that’s real freedom you know I also think like you know we
must have a really you know healthy amount of faith I sometimes wondered
like is it some sort of test you know is he is he testing himself by doing this
you know is he testing society by doing it as he is he testing God may these words low slow might SAP
lonely where my branch is used to be my only friend
myself offered myself taken given and given so at home
can we create getting on this path of devotional service whether he knew it or
not was to really help him confront a lot of abandonment that he had because
he would be in service you know get that that love and attention that he needed
and then once that resentment started building up and well he would refer to
which i think is pretty pretty brilliant as these weights and measure measures
would start to accumulate right it’s like oh I’ve Cedars helped me for this
this and this and I have given him this food and this place for this amount of
time and to all these weights and measures would start to build up and so
when that service whatever would start to kind of slow down then all of a
sudden in psycho these all you know it’s like you don’t want to give back in that
way if the tree burns in the forest do you see the light so I think that for some people as I
said before I was it was scary to be in the presence of such courage and Trust
and it was a mirroring of well where am i with that but where am i with that so
I think that was the gift for every minute we cedar is to have a
self-reflection how is my integrity authenticity where am i with that a
sense of guilt I think is present in such devotion and in a way this is the
activism right it’s like what what do you do to change the world because
that’s what I’m doing and I am keeping the torch and holding the torch so I
think for a lot of people the reflection you know was like overwhelming and they
couldn’t even function without you know thinking about what what is cedar doing
now like where is he now does he have enough to eat shall I have you know be
more gentle taken my tight time off you know there was always this kind of wave
of love coming through and I think for everyone that had this connection you
know it’s like you have a vision that arrives and says hey like a genie coming
out of the bottle hey what are you wishes to be like cedar today mmm-hmm what would cedar do they point
the way so fish like Sammy saving my day so a lot of guilt about
not matching right not matching where we are with our talk are we walking the
talk are we talking the talk on E or are we really involved in what our words are
carrying our story my first presentation you sleep was restless continually awakened
by the cries of the wicked begging for sinners selfish prayers a prideful cough
lasting God’s plan the divine intervention repentance was off too but
they all held tight to their egos desires
Nonya shadow cedar spent the winter of 2013 outside of Phoenix Arizona hosted
by a new love affair as with most of his companions the relationship deteriorated
quickly and cedar returned once again to Seattle in returning cedar felt evermore
disconnected from the community that he had counted on in years prior causing
him additional hardships not loving them stalls rejected there was that you know
concern at least for me as I cor cedar gonna go like what what is he gonna do
like he has nowhere else to go at this time and what is he gonna eat you know
especially being on such a limited you know diet I believe at that time he was
staying in like someone said well I have known cedar having many issues health
issues so even when offered food you know there
were some foods that his body wasn’t able to process so that was doing even a
bigger gap between healthy and unhealthy and hungry and fed right so there were
many challenging around being physically healthy and maintaining the trust and
having the mind clear because that’s part of you know what we experience when
we are fed and well taken care of we we are able to gain clarity this back and
forth between like wow having you know this mystical week because when you are
fasting you’re you know like really purifying some mental and physical
things that don’t really belong to your body and so there were those you know
the moments and then the edge of it is like wow I am very weak I can barely
walk today you know maybe I can’t meet today because I am so weak so tired that
I may fall asleep I watched cedar go down on multiple
occasions literally like his legs could not carry him anymore he was starving
and at one point he was overheated and I literally thought that he might die and
his physical shell health was in pretty bad shape healing work is very noble
takes a lot of energy you are expending a lot to beat yourself you have to give
in order to get so of course it will be mostly positive change for whoever you
were trying to work for this can however come with its own repercussions if you
are putting too much energy into let’s say community as a whole or maybe only
you’re focusing on a few people in your life then you’re always going to be
neglecting something there’s always going to be you can’t save the world I
feel like for healing types like ourselves it’s very hard for us to
remind ourselves of that and sometimes you know it leaves us with a lot of
guilt feeling like maybe you do more but feel like that the guilt reminds us that
we’re kind of on the right path while he was traveling around you know join his
service trying to be in service to people during this nomadic period he had
to go through a lot of starvation type scenarios so he became very divorced
from his body because there was no food I asked cedar I’m like are you hungry
Phil’s be like well hunkers are strong word and I think that it comes mainly from
the nomadic days around and he had it was hungry he had to ignore and so he
got good at ignoring his hunger he’s totally lost contact with just body as
far as at my hungry do I need food so if you didn’t put food in front of Cedar he
would not eat plus when he’s creating art and stuff he gets so focused into
the art but he is not even gonna think about the duality of seders experience
continued to create challenges for him on one hand he engaged more powerfully
in spiritual and service pursuits on the other hand he would need to overcome his
deep wounds that he had yet to address nobody should have to endure this lonely
wait so long and I wait cursing myself with being sober
but being so overly sensitive to my anxieties and I thank myself for my
integrity knowing that I have arrived early enough to guarantee myself a ride
home during the spring of 2014 cedar was ultimately forced to face his
continued depression and suicidal thoughts he would later tell a unique
story of walking through death highlighting the great lessons he had
learned from his experience there I looked over the edge of the bridge and
the voice of spirit was clear jump without hesitation I left from the
bridge as in my first vision I fell limply and quietly to the ground a good
60 feet below my bone snapped in my skin ruptured a pool of blood float about me
as my final breath left me soon I was with spirit I was shown my life visions
of all those who I had touched and who had touched me the news of my death
brought sadness to them but through time and healing the impacts of my passing
faded then a miracle occurred it was one of the most rare known in the history of
man spirit filled my corpse with life and I rose up to stand on the trail
below my blood still stained the ground yet my body seemed to be as perfect as
ever such a happening was far too inconceivable for most to believe
one might have expected that such a miracle would have a great impact in the
world for many generations to come but a cynical and faithless scientific world
would easily defeat such an influence in the end it affected even less than my
death itself I didn’t return to a place beyond death
a place of Nirvana there was a perfect peace that I had experienced in times
before and I resided in this restful state for a timeless eternity it was all
I had desired in the seeking of home and though I was there forever
it was gone as soon as I had arrived spirits hand placed me up off the bridge
I heard three messages clear as a bell it takes more courage to live than it
does to die one can affect more in life than in dead
we have another work to complete and white cedar was now attracting a fair
amount of attention as a spiritual teacher and he attracted a number of
students whom he sought to teach manifestation techniques
he also made great strides in healing his own self-worth challenges his poetry
of the time reflected much about his experiences and lessons my love will
always flow to you you were never without her alone
your branch is a cedar only now while rejection through a maples leaf is no
longer be free and directing love for the beloved receives all the love you
share no matter where despite his personal growth by the time the summer
of 2014 arrived cedar would again disengage from his community here and
would spend several months struggling with his own homelessness and unresolved
wounds Cedar’s challenges had not been limited
to living in transience he had continued to be confronted by loneliness much of
his poetry became focused on the seeking of companionships
and lessons about self-love there’s nothing I need yeah when I’m with you I
find something you need and no words to describe in your nature if that’s what
it is like magnets held in perfect balance perpetual motion except that it’s cold
or I can negate it’s just right he engaged in numerous short relationships
with a number of women with varying degrees of seriousness super this yet
not heavy and more stapl the quantum white state structure intangible
made of just light persistence away none of them had turned into anything
long-term well here we go the relationships are
the curriculum for this seeding of feeling abundant feeling left for
something more important to do and definitely not understood you know
the depths of the feeling of connection is never met there is an expectation
also that can never be really met in those moments where the wounding is
acting out we are creating the scenario where the abandonment is actually the
lead player right it’s the actor and we are kind of you know working out our
characters as secondary to make sure that this is played out in the
relationship and tears just looking for long trying to find a place where he belongs
another person low:11 examples to find someone it’s
true traits of all good to the care that after living with patterns of seeking
the validation and appreciation of others through romantic relationships
time spent alone began to teach seed our true self love have you forgotten
Americans who saw the love we shared in the perfect world they created together days of past seeming like years the
memory denies what occurred remember my name well I try to erase all memories he
would find that his relationships would transform as he did he continued to have
romantic encounters but they were of a different nature from then on let go as
he drowned illusions hopes and what will you be
upon my return will you see me passing them on the
street you’re drawing now just blend with the others Lincoln be losing my
nature forgetting the love and once exchange he finally seemed able to take
responsibility for the love within himself which became much more
attractive to others than the desperation that he had formerly
operated with and what is this feeling in my heart longing and aching each
moment we’re apart always so alone even when we’re together marriage that does
bind us and joined misery forever compromising self and those we love most
in the name of attachment making true love it goes by the end of October in
2014 cedar had published two more books
spiritual slut lamentations and love songs by cedar branches and love of a
mystic we work away our days a material life that is crude our energy supplies
so quickly depleted used to pay interest in this debt we are seated none left for
our children who justify our actions acclaimed form of love never gaining any
traction for the world we leave them will be a hell on earth a global toxic
prison is what this pattern will burn I can live any story that I can believe so
what does this regret that I now proceed the story that I choose would be so much
more just to look in your eyes and feel deep to your core let’s create a love
story so well of creation that was sourced from you know that shattered
place and so what happens is I could see cedar look in the shattered piece of
wood that was you know himself in a way and pulling out magic I had the magic
that comes from this breaks that we experience in life so that was the
sourcing and bringing those to the light so all
these hidden places that are seeping the crack deep in the wood they were flying
up as they were invited to be created cedar also eventually attracted a
companion who took him under her wing for some time and then cedar found love
and that was the first time that I really believed that there was a you
know a real together nest that was gonna last and I think that this was the place
where there was a lot of affirmation and support and you know all things may
change now it was a relationship that carried him for a really long time and
also eventually led him to traveling a bunch together they traveled the Western
Hemisphere in spiritual service including journeys to Mexico Peru Canada
and different areas of the u.s. after what felt like a few years of
unworkability of mostly cold and suffering and from islands of security
cedar met somebody and that was a good period I thought because they were able
to travel to Peru a number of times cedar had a safe and secure place to
live food to eat and he was able to extend his shamanistic work from a base
of operations and I thought that was great
eventually cedar and his companion moved to Peru together where they produce
spirit work to a sequel to his first book the book documented many of Cedars
stories as well as his journeys with his companion up to the very end of their
relationship after only four months together in Peru the relationship came
to an end and cedar returned to the US now landing him in
Carolina the last time they went to Peru it didn’t work out and cedar came back
again roaming no place to be specifically or consistently and then
there’s kind of a different stage of a cedar again right and so you know he
went through this period of really relying on community and supporting him
and and you know for the community receiving support from him as well and
and then you know not having that anchor of one person supporting him so it
really pushed him back into community and and I and I think a different level
or layer of his artistic endeavor start to kick up as well Cedar’s spent a number of months in
service-oriented work and ultimately returned to his father’s home in
Washington State while visiting his father in eastern
Washington State cedar set out to renew and evolve his
creative expression doing art in doing healing spiritual healing these are all
methods through which we can cope with these things from the past that have
warmed us we are now in August and September of 2017 cedar produced a 14
poem spoken word album titled wander his poems expressed a wide variety of his
experiences over the years and rekindled an expanded interest in his art just after the release of his album he
departed from his father’s home and returned once again to the streets of
Seattle Washington now he was on a mission to bring healing to a community
and a home that he deeply cared about cedar considered that live spoken word
performance might be the new way to bring his messages of love and unity
back into the local consciousness so this is right around the time that he
came back with an eye towards what kind of performances he could do that would
net him enough money maybe not to get a place but to at least travel be able to
pay for lodging be able to pay for his own food and live the life of an artist
with the support that he needed to have the basics fundamentally met and I think
that’s like a shift that I saw on him you know over time it’s like I think you
realize you know it’s like I can only do so much in service to others you know he
had a focus on some of his own work really helped him in a kind of a painful
way to realize that you know he needed to really call upon his inner self and
strangelet and believing in himself in a way that no one else may have believed
in him shoulders of giants
while living on the streets cedar developed his spoken word routine and
performed his first live spoken word show in October of 2017 there I was on
my own bed staring deeply into the eyes of death any thoughts of memories came
in an incident but wasn’t many out those I love and those who loved me I could
let them go for this pure bliss for we are never apart in Heaven’s and
their sadness would soon be passed he had a show a spoken word poetry reading
up in Bellingham to release it was a day long with my body and be washed away who
stands like performance opportunities proved to be rare however and cedar
continued to struggle with homelessness as the winter set in he was forced to
leave Seattle to find shelter he sought out a new place to stay in Longview
Washington family I could leave this body kind the one in it I would only
ever die and to be in a body so very persistent is a reward life never
dancing in his first days in December cedar completed work on his second
poetry album heal and moved immediately into creating shadows illuminated which
he released on Christmas Day it would come to be his debut and music
production he touted his album as poetry dancing cedar was dedicated to bringing the deep
messages within his art piece to others and new the creation of the music album
was only the beginning the next step would be to bring it to the stage as a
live performance an eyewitness Cedar’s compulsion to share a story for
himself for his healing and to make a significant contribution to society when
January hit he returned to the streets of Seattle to begin developing a stage
musical from there he began a concept and work on shadows illuminated which
was going to be concept that as a show that he could put on in any given
location as many times as he needed the next four months were entirely dedicated
to making it happen it was a really fun and again kind of a hard time to support
Cedar through and you know one because he didn’t have a consistent place to
stay he would help and support people and be in service but also he really had
this project in mind that he wanted to to get done you know initially when
hearing about it was like I don’t want to shoot seed her down he is really
excited about this and really passionate about it and like I had my doubts the
creation of this piece brought him a lot of energy I would say divine energy and
everything else was pretty weak I would see that many of the
times we rehearsed cedar didn’t have anything to eat for a few days and was
basically running on on coffee and rolled tobacco there was a ton of work
involved daily practices weekly rehearsals adapting the music to a
storyline format developing show choreography marketing website building
and running a blog to attract attention most importantly was the process of
generating community support for his project and keeping people inspired
enough that they would follow through with their various contributions so we
would have you know two steps forward and it seemed that times four steps back
something that would always end up coming up he would have a lead and it
would end up falling apart at first cedar conducted most of his efforts
while living in the wind he floated from one place to another
while working diligently away on his computer and doing his rehearsals in
public spaces I just saw Cedars commitment you know how much he
practiced and seemed like every time I was with him or he was staying with us
you know he was practicing if soon cedar came down with a bout of bronchitis
which caused him to lose his voice for many days he sought out temporary
shelter south of Seattle and bust into the city once a week for rehearsals
cedar managed to bring his efforts to completion at the end of April 2018 sure not just overtime is really amazing
that things started to hold together and he got a venue to do his performance and
all of a sudden he got you know some help for people doing a light show and
you know he he fucking pulled it off and I don’t know how he did it the
performance was held at a small venue to a small number of attendees most of
which who had been contributors to the show’s creation the feedback on the
performance was overwhelmingly positive it’s really beautiful there’s a good
amount of the community that really showed up for this and I think that
really kicked off his own internal spark and passion there was a lot about
consciousness and bringing to consciousness awareness and the depths
of the homeless if we were to dig a little bit we would see an enormous
amount of life events and experiences that we would all be enriched by every
person in the audience felt touched by parts of the story that they themselves
went through and yet the setting was a person from the street the awareness of homelessness and
abandonment and disconnect it became a weaving of the flame for people that
were experiencing the movement the intensity and then the ripple effect of
one song into the other and then the silence every witness is part of our
work as we created it through them for them thinking that they might understand
what the being is expressing this is reconnection it was a reconnection
within for seeder himself so it was really through the individual finding
the connection in the collective audience I could feel it after the show like the
way people didn’t want to leave they were already stuck together like oh my
goodness where we’re sharing this experience I think it’s the desire for
connection that was really revealed a lot of people came together and helped
them with that I think that was incredibly gratifying to him it showed
the support of a small dedicated community and it just didn’t scale
economically after many months of doing his best to
use his artwork to inspire community support in Seattle Sita remained
homeless and hungry with nowhere left to turn the momentum of his shadows
illuminated project ended abruptly and he was forced to seek greener pastures
elsewhere he took the show proceeds and boarded a
bus to Eureka Springs Arkansas where he hoped to develop the next evolution of
his stage show he had been invited in a service opportunity there and
flourishing artistic community there seemed to be aligned with creating a new
future in stage performance despite his high hopes his welcome proved to be
quite temporary and he was again forced to move on before he could branch into
the local art scene before departing however cedar managed
to release his fourth album descended masters along with a number of music
videos to accompany his new music I think because Cedars living situation
was so prepared that it created an urgency for him to create as much as he
could well he was bound and determined to create his art to express himself
live his life the way he felt it should be that it seems to me like he’s always
working on something you never stopped like a shark like an idea shirt so as
soon as he consumed one idea he was on the neck so she stopped he dies I think
he aspires to be great and leave a mark on history ultimately I think it’s a
grand aspiration – they were time you see we said it was
after about well other time was dedicated to
artistic creation every moment there was this ability to focus this was actually
the center of his life it was really a clarity of goal and I’m
gonna do it and I’m doing it and dawn and the flow you know the flow is a
practice like anything else so I believe that because of the freedom in detaching
from all material things there was an obligation that was from the heart to be
accountable for the creative source I feel like his living situation and his
experiences absolutely helps in his artistic creations he has a depth in an
awareness of social cultural political and spiritual influence in our society
in our minds in behavior and I do believe that his artistic creations are
bolstered by his difficulties in arduous journey not very many takes path the
collection demonstrated a period where cedar seemed to be searching for his
true voice ascended masters turned out to be a broad mixture of components it
featured a variety of songs incorporating many genres and influences Cedar hitched a ride back West with
another traveler which would mark the beginning of a months long stretch of
continuous travels all over the western United States during his adventures
living on the road Cedar continued creating music and released his fifth
album Zen ‘the dimension length dimension showed off the skills he had
developed in composing and mixing music featuring an old-school psychedelic
electronica sound and incorporating spoken word lyrics it was very different
it was apparent that cedar was seeking to create something completely new and
to continue growing as an artist Cedar then embarked on a series of musical
collaborations which would dominate his focus for many months he would produce
two EPS and a number of single releases the first EP was titled speaking spirit
in this EP cedar delved into electronic dance music about it we were we were
able to finish that that project and not only did we have a lot of fun but
the the end product was pleasing to both of us I think oh my goodness
it was the easiest weeding ever recorded I have experienced this kind of
collaboration on the spot right spontaneously uh in this would you like
to join us on stage and then I’m behind the microphone close my eyes go into
trance and then here it is and it’s magical and so to be able to use
technology and still keep the magical going for me was another felt experience
of how it’s possible it is possible he distributed the EP to ecstatic dance
venues throughout the United States to help bring exposure to light language
healers and to help bring their unique healing modality to a broader audience
cedar was quickly becoming quite prolific and was beginning to make waves
with his online social presence meanwhile cedar had been sleeping in a
barn in below freezing temperatures and had fallen terribly ill when I first met
him he was visiting a client of mine and he was very very sick he’d been sleeping
in an environment filled with black mold very very cold temperatures and not
eating your cuff I you know I’m pretty close
was coffee and extremely slept a lot apparently Speed Week my client asked me
I think it’d better be to make a potato better it’s just busy busy busy creating
creating creating you could be the Secretary was his newest music video for
desert twisted attracted the attention of a pair of professional musicians in
the UK Deborah Harris and Ennis Reed of mousse and shifty chicken shed they
formed an international band called cedar mousse Marc Turkel soon joined as
a guitarist from Seattle and the band was soon putting out one song after
another so uh a little bit of time went by and then finally cedar got in touch
with me he was living somewhere in Oregon or southern Washington and he
said hey I’m doing this project I’m working with some guys that are over the
UK a saxophone player and a guitar player
and I have this track that I’m submitting to them but if you want to
contribute some guitar tracks to it you know I’ll see what I can use and include
those cedar had sent something along the lines of well mark you know the trains
leaving the station and if you want to be on the train great
but it’s leaving the station so send me some tracks and send them fairly quickly
well after I set up in the second round of tracks he had said to me cedar is
like whoa you just completely reconfigured in this particular song
those were exactly what I needed he sent me a text app I’ll listen to
I remember sitting there kind of skeptically and apprehensively waiting
to hear what it was it came on and it just
it just blew my mind I’m ever standing up and I had this expression on my face
like what the fuck just happened what did I just hear the track was so good as
this was all happening cedar was running out of his welcome at the place that
he’s staying he wanted to come stay with me and I was like gung ho yes and it
turned out that this was gonna be a couple of weeks because sooner than
later cedar moose was going to fly cedar to
the UK so that they can rehearse a bunch of the material that they had done and
get a bunch of live gigs but once he came over to the house there was another
background track he had it would turn out to be is this song I was tasked with
putting this on guitar part down and cedar really challenged me to stretch
out on this which I did I was very happy with the way that it turned out and it
was intense I mean this would be kind of the way that cedar and I would work
which was basically to sleep wake up drink a lot of coffee smoke a lot of
weed and get to work then we listened to the track I’d get some input into the
track but mostly cedar wood fine tune the track throw some elements into it
and come back with some genius alchemy in the final mix it was the first time
the cedar produced music using live instrumentation which proved to be a
major evolution in his craft it brought a whole new level to what was possible
and the resulting psychedelic rock sound was increasingly popular with his
growing fanbase moose had planned on bringing cedar to the UK to build a tour
and see if they could gain some traction in that market but the band had second
thoughts as the date approached they ultimately backed out after we did is
this song we’d sent another track over for collaboration and didn’t get a
response for a while they sent a terse communication to cedar that they were
complete they were done one was completely out and the other one was not
drawing such a fine line in the sand but very non-communicative not necessarily a
great communication within a couple of days cedar and me really rocked that sea
rose as a unit was over and that wasn’t gonna happen that ain’t up a couple of
days I think cedar was beside himself that this wasn’t gonna happen I was very
disappointed and those dreams of playing out in the UK went poof in a desperate
bid to resolve his urgent situation cedar stopped all production work with
cedar moose and partnered with Mark Turkel to begin building a more local
band let’s keep working let’s do the best we can and eventually this thing is
gonna work out we decided to start our own band you know so it was just gonna
be me and him that’s how him and I began working together and we set about making
some music the first track that we did together was called teetering it was all
about cedar teetering on a Ledge after that we identified another partner this
was part of the genius of cute’ own we’re going to identify different
partners to work with the next one was Melanie Raven she played synth and had
fantastic voice so she wrote a song she contributed track with her vocals and
with her synth in it it was great off we went producing demise of love
when I initially heard the title of the song I felt inspired to talk about
especially in I guess culture whatever you want to
call it and it involves a lot of what Cedar and I have talked about ourselves
it came out in a really interesting way too because it was like two people
having a conversation within the song two to one each other expressing
disappointment I guess like a metaphor of like romantic situation but also like
speaking in general as well many relationships now and how love is
treated now it is feel like it since birth message it’s also really cool
synth rock cedar and Marc continued creating music under the moniker of cue
tune a post rock duo that released three singles before the two had a falling out
and stopped producing music together I think cedar was again very
disappointed and how it had gone wood cedar moose that he didn’t goes but you
can and had some fundamental questions about
how we’re gonna make this work and rightfully so the details about what
happened next are relatively insubstantial the other was a mix-up
about files or where they were located or who was willing to do what to locate
them or what-have-you I don’t think that’s what really was
going on I think what was really going on is that what was important to see her
was to find some sustainable way of life and then what happened was the breakup
of the band while I was away on the East Coast
once again cedar found himself at a dead-end road and now seemed to have
nowhere left to turn he left the Seattle area and sought
temporary refuge in Longview Washington the same place he had created shadows
illuminated one year prior cedar boarded a train headed out of Seattle one final
time seeder arrived to the Kelso train
station at closing time it was raining in the station attendant was locking up
it was a several mile walk from the train station to the house where cedar
would be staying he was burdened by a 50-pound backpack all of his worldly
possessions as well as his feelings of hopelessness betrayal and abandonment he
was tired weak and unmotivated penniless and seemingly at a new rock-bottom
he searched for ideas cedar then remembered his friend’s personal
assistant whom he had met a few months earlier during a short visit when he had
met her the first time he was terribly ill and she had done her best to nurse
him back to health women-owned to acquit of a walk trails
and walk the labyrinth enjoyed the art of Willa Crow we’re surprised to be each her Vega
puddin speed in the ocean he complained every step of the way but
that was his favorite venture we had some ceremonies it was Christmas time
accredited jury will as the Christmas Day most importantly and showed cedar
authentic love and compassion somebody ordered cared for him but deeper learning or what a nigger to me
funny shaved cedar and an left Washington State and set out on a
journey into their home life together they would make their way to Texas where
cedar would complete a new solo album titled
soul one and where he continues to develop his art career and to find ways
to be in service to this day all of the Oregon Coast down your son
writes in provost sit in front walkway just a Jonah Hill tall as soon as we did
that soon as we walked away it’s very beautiful we’ve been here we’re creating a new
community and Cedars performing fine that’s really well liked something most inspiring our theatres
pal this is fear didn’t its way he didn’t
what you wanted to do you didn’t do what society to the knowledge supposed to do
that makes me put more faith in spirit but it in spirit guide Lee rather than
trying to use my head or went and told to do in my life don’t meet wrong don’t
be afraid to me don’t be afraid follow your your path do you want to
follow follow your convictions all your horse to believe it was beautiful to me to put life you
know in full faith of a higher power to and how I learned you know to take care
of me and to walk my days in my fully hearts desire with no sheds or half twos
in my way and as a result of his influence on me my consciousness
expanded to hold greater possibility for positive change for my life and led me
to see the magic in the present moment creating meaning from the mundane well I
feel like he’s somebody that you can talk to about anything and you know even
the even the things that you know make you feel vulnerable that you’re not
comfortable with you know you can talk to Cedar about them and with him you
know I feel like it’s all like this sense of acceptance you know what is is
what it is but what he’s very good at is you know putting things in a different
light and allowing you to contemplate you know a different perspective
with him I feel like here’s somebody who’s really kind of strict it down to
the bone and there’s the truth you know it’s a gift I definitely feel that seeders
contributions are absolutely invaluable to probably most of the people that have
come across his path he’s he’s so genuine and he speaks from the heart and
out of complete non-judgmental ISM and that’s hard to find these days and he’s
just he’s inspiring he inspires people he takes the seemingly impossible and
makes it look possible and fairly easily how can that not be inspiring very very original inspiration in his
life which is not that you’re offering to to really bump into people that have
a new way of leaving their uniqueness so I think that cedar is one of the of
these very few that will remain and change anyone that comes in contact
you know let’s say countdown ten minutes with cedar and boom boom it will be
there it will change part of their life so it’s kind of miraculous don’t you
think the other thing is is the generosity of
spirit that cedar showed was amazing having the opportunity to work in music
and express myself musically was really for me as human being missing it was
something that I wanted with all my heart
cedar knowingness had developed a talent and a skill and the generosity to
include me it was like he breathed life into my very soul and for that no matter
whatever happens or happened I will forever be appreciative and I will
forever log the generosity of his heart for making that difference for me as a
friend as a human being he gave me what I needed to get past my own mental block
you know and he gave me that gift so that I could stand on the shoulders of
what we created together and now branch out into the world however I choose to fake teeth not present to loved for my
friend cedar I’m present to the contribution was that he is to countless
others throughout time I don’t feel like he would have accomplished as much if
his circumstances were different I feel like his circumstances where what drove
him did you everything he was and is doing now I can say that from I think
seen him blossom and having him take the trauma he’s in Jordan converted into
something beautiful I’ll always remember the light that he’s
helped me to obtain the light that he’s given other people you turn when I think about cedar story
you know I can’t help to realize or to just to think about you know where we’re
at in society and how that there are so many other people that are in jobs or in
a situation that they’re not fulfilled by they’ve pursued this idea of an
American the American Dream and you know in a deeper level it’s just not very
fulfilling who turned you just to have cedar have
this deep commitment it really forced a lot of us to challenge our own beliefs
around a lot of things you know I think mental health and homelessness and
physical health and how how can we truly support people to leading living like
deeper more fulfilling lights and that he’s taken that plunge and he’s shown us
at it’s possible to not live in a way that’s gonna suck the soul out yet and I
think that’s like finally settling in you know like for people like holy shit
like this guy it has done so much in his life without working in a conventional
way so I see his work and see his devotion and think it’s I think it’s
really beautiful and it’s a kind of a rare a rare gem you know in my mind Wrigley’s well thank you cedar thank you
for all your work brother thank you for all the love you know that you’ve given
the hardship that you’ve endured and for showing us that there’s a something
different and something better can be possible and things don’t have to be
perfect you’ve shown us how to be resourceful and to use what we have and
to not allow those little mental blocks to get in the way you’ve really shown us
that that you can still make that things happen if you really truly believe you
know in yourself and in a greater vision that you know that’s gonna that’s gonna
carry you through and may that that momentum of your passion and love and
vision for a better way of life continues you


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